If Men Were In Charge
- Breaking up would be a lot easier. A smack to the ass and a "Nice hustle, you'll get'em next time" would pretty much do it
- Birth control would come in ale or lager
- Valentine's Day would be moved to February 29th so it would only occur in leap years
- On Groundhog Day, if you saw your shadow, you'd get the day off to go drinking. Mother's Day too
- St. Patrick's Day, however, would remain exactly the same. But it would be celebrated every month
- Garbage would take itself out
- Regis and Kathie Lee would be chained to a cement mixer and pushed off the Golden Gate Bridge for the most lucrative pay-per-view event in world history
- The only show opposite "Monday Night Football" would be "Monday Night Football from a Different Camera Angle"
- Instead of "beer-belly", you'd get "beer-biceps"
- Tanks would be far easier to rent
- Two words..."Ally McNaked"
- When a cop gave you a ticket, every smart-aleck answer you responded with would actually reduce your fine. As in: Cop: "You know how fast you were going?" You: "All I know is, I was spilling my beer all over the place." Cop: "Nice one, That's $10.00 off"
- People would never talk about how fresh they felt
- Daisy Duke shorts would never go out of style again
- Every man would get four, real Get Out of Jail Free cards per year
- Telephones would cut off after 30 seconds of conversation
- It would be perfectly legal to steal a sports car, as long as you returned it the following day with a full tank of gas
- Instead of a fancy, expensive engagement ring, you could present your wife-to-be with a giant foam hand that said "You're #1!"
- When your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the game, she'd appear in a little box in the corner of the screen during a time-out
- Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed as an acceptable response to "I love you"
- The funniest guy in the office would get to be CEO
- "Sorry I'm late, but I got wasted last night", would be an acceptable excuse for tardiness
- At the end of the workday a whistle would blow and you would jump out of your window and slide down the tail of a brontosaurus and right into your car like Fred Flintstone
- Lifeguards could remove citizens from beaches for violating the "public ugliness" ordinance
- Hallmark would make "Sorry, what was your name again?" cards
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